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USA TODAY's Bryan Alexander shares the unscripted events...
11:38: "That's our evening! Good night, everybody," proclaims Crystal as the credits roll.
11:35: AWARD:The Artist claims best picture, putting the show back on script. Director Michel Hazanavicius reminds his children that, "It's six in the morning in Paris so you should go to bed in 30 seconds." Turning to his wife, Bérénice Béjo, he says, "You inspired the movie, and you're the soul of the movie and the positive feeling of the movie. Thank you for being this in the movie and in my life."
11:30: AWARD:The Iron Lady's Meryl Streep ends her 30-year Oscar drought, winning the best actress trophy for the first time since 1982's Sophie's Choice. "When I heard my name, I could hear half of America going, 'Oh, no! Not again! Her!' But whatever!" She makes sure to thank her longtime makeup artist, Mark Coulier (also an Oscar winner tonight), because "I'm never going to be up here again!"
11:14: AWARD: Jean Dujardin only spoke two words on screen in The Artist, but it was enough to win best actor. "I love your country!" he proclaims. He talks about the first Oscar ceremony in 1929, which lasted 50 minutes. Those were the days. The next bit calls on my college French, which has been rusting for about 15 years. Here goes: "If George Valentin could speak, he would say, "Go, Victor Julian! (name-dropping a legendary showbiz animal handler). This is extraordinary! Thank you!"
11:04:Esperanza Spalding, who won the best new artist prize at last year's Grammys, sings What a Wonderful World during the "In Memoriam" segment. Elizabeth Taylor is the last face to flash across the screen.
10:51: AWARD: The Directors Guild Oscar streak is still alive, as Michel Hazanavicius wins for The Artist. Uggie factors prominently in his acceptance speech. "I want to thank Uggie, the dog. I think he doesn't care. I'm not sure he understand what I say. He's not that good, but thank you."
10:46: AWARD: The animated short Oscar goes to The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore. "We're just swamp rats!" exclaims William Joyce, gesturing to co-director Brandon Oldenburg. "This is quite grand."
10:43: AWARD:Saving Face, a film about Pakistani women whose faces have been disfigured by acid attacks, wins the documentary short.
10:41: In between presenting the short film categories, The Bridesmaids cast resurrects the Scorsese drinking game, dipping into their cleavage to pull out miniature liquor bottles.
10:39: AWARD:The Shore wins the live-action short film category. "This is my daughter," says Terry George, gesturing toward his co-producer, Oorlagh. "Now I don't have to wait for her wedding to tell everyone how wonderful she is." (If the name Terry George sounds familiar, it's because he wrote and directed the 2004 film Hotel Rwanda.)
10:30: AWARD: Woody Allen wins the original screenplay Oscar for Midnight in Paris. And as usual, he's a no-show.
10:27: AWARD: The screenwriting trio from The Descendants wins the adapted screenwriting prize. Think about that. Community's Dean Pelton has an Oscar. That's even weirder to say than "The Flight of the Conchords Guy just won an Oscar."
10:16: AWARD: Flight of the Conchords' Bret McKenzie wins for his song Man or Muppet. He explains that he grew up watching The Muppet Show in New Zealand. "I was genuinely starstruck when I met Kermit the Frog. Like a lot of stars, he's shorter in real life." Here's to future collaborations between McKenzie and Muppets writer Jason Segel. Imagine what the guys who sang Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymnoceros and You Just Got Slapped could do together.
10:14: Dressed in white tuxes and wielding cymbals, Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis introduce the original song category: "One of our nominees will join the ranks of previous winners, When You Wish Upon A Star, Moon River, The Way We Were and It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp."
10:12: AWARD:The Artist composer Ludovic Bource wins for his score, bringing the silent film's tally up to two.
10:08: As the camera pans around the room, Crystal guesses what various stars are thinking. Here's a sampling:
Brad Pitt: "This better not run late. I have six parent-teacher conferences in the morning."
George Clooney: "Billy didn't tell me they were filming that kiss."
Martin Scorsese: "Ready, camera one, ready camera one."
Nick Nolte: "Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Uggie: "If I had 'em, I'd lick 'em."
10 p.m.: AWARD: Well, it's about time: Beginners' Christopher Plummer wins the supporting actor trophy, becoming the oldest recipient at 82. "You're only two years older than me, darling," he says to his trophy. "Where have you been all my life?"
9:55: AWARD:Hugo claims its fifth award, this time for visual effects.
9:53:Emma Stone is a little too excited about presenting the visual effects Oscar. "Look, kid, I get it, you're new," says co-presenter Ben Stiller. "Perky gets old fast." Man, does it ever.
9:47: AWARD:Rango wins the animation award.
9:42: AWARD:Iron Man stars Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow bicker their way through the documentary presentation. The football documentary (not the Sarah Palin one) Undefeated wins. And its producers are the first ones to be played off the stage.
9:35: There's time for Cirque du Soleil but not a Muppets song? For shame.
9:27: AWARD: Make that four. Hugo also wins for sound mixing.
9:25: AWARD:Hugo is up to three now, taking the sound editing award. (Sidenote to presenter Bradley Cooper: Not even you can pull off a mustache. Please say that's for a movie.)
9:24: AWARD:The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo finally gets some love from the academy, winning the editing category.
9:22: Crystal thanks Justin Bieber and George Clooney for appearing in his opening montage. "Stacey, you're a lucky girl," he tells the person who's usually on the other end of Clooney's kisses.
9:21: The Christopher Guest players present a focus group discussion about The Wizard of Oz. "I wasn't really into it until the flying monkeys," says Fred Willard's character. When is Guest's next movie coming out? Seems like we're due.
9:10: AWARD: Octavia Spencer takes the supporting actress Oscar for her performance in The Help. "Thank you again for putting me with the hottest guy in the room," she says tearfully. "Thank you, world!"
9:07: AWARD: Foreign-language film goes to Iran's A Separation.
9:05:Sandra Bullock, Berlitz spokesmodel? "Because there are 1.2 billion people in China, the academy has asked me to speak about movies in Mandarin. Because my mother spoke German to us growing up, my Mandarin has a slight German accent." Then she launches into a Teutonic speech.
8:57: AWARD:The Iron Lady team that transformed Meryl Streep into Margaret Thatcher wins for makeup. "Thank you Meryl," says Mark Coulier, "for keeping me employed for the past 37 years."
8:55: AWARD:The Artist puts its first win up on the board when Mark Bridges wins for his costume designs.
8:53: Crystal gets technical before introducing a montage: "These days, people watch films on their phones. Give me the big screen any day — my iPad."
8:44: AWARD:Hugo wins its second in a row, this time for art direction.
8:42: AWARD: After paying tribute to a veteran seat-filler, Tom Hanks presents the cinematography Oscar to Hugo's Robert Richardson. "I can't believe someone put cinematography first," says the winner. "The night can only go up from here."
8:38: "It's a wonderful night for the Oscars," Crystal croons as he begins his musical paen to the nominees. "What, you didn't think I was going to do this?"
8:36:"This is my ninth time hosting, so just call me War Horse," cracks Billy Crystal. "We're here tonight at the Chapter 11 Theater," referring to Kodak's recent financial woes.
8:31: Time for the Billy Crystal best-picture montage. This year's version includes a kiss from George Clooney in the hospital and Justin Bieber promising to deliver the 18-34 demo for him.
Sick editing skills: The film goes straight from the "Minnie's special pie" scene from The Help into the bathroom scene from Bridesmaids.
8:30:Morgan Freeman opens the show in front of what looks like the stage from The Muppet Show.
8:22:Entertainment Weekly's Jess Cagle subjected Hangover star Zach Galifianakis to the usual battery of Oscar red carpet questions:
Cagle: "Do you have any pre-show rituals before you go on stage?"
Galifianakis: "Well, this is my 12th Oscars … Uh, so … No, I've never been to an award show or anything. I took a bath today, and I washed my mustache."
Cagle: "Congratulations, it looks great. Who are you wearing?"
Galifianakis: "Garanimals."
7:48 p.m. You know, almost every awards season, there's one humdinger of a name that I struggle to spell correctly — for example, Gabourey Sidibe or Shohreh Aghdashloo. I then set a deadline of Oscar night to learn to spell it correctly by heart. And ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to announce that I nailed Michel Hazanavicius two days early.
7:20 p.m. ET: Welcome to USA TODAY's live Oscar coverage. Sacha Baron Cohen, dressed as his Dictator character, General Aladeen, is carrying the evening's most interesting accessory: an urn stamped with the likeness of late North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. Better yet, he just dumped its contents all over Ryan Seacrest. Here's their exchange:
The Dictator: "Hello, welcome Bryan (sic)."
Seacrest: "Who are you wearing?"
The Dictator: "I'm wearing John Galliano, but the socks are from Kmart."
Seacrest: "Can we get a tight shot of the socks? Which section of the Kmart store were those in?"
The Dictator: "As Saddam Hussein once said to me, 'Socks are socks. Don't waste money.'"
Seacrest: "Is coming to the Oscars one of the best perks of whatever it is your job is?"
The Dictator: "Yes, I love it here, because it, um, it gave me an opportunity to bring my dear friend and doubles tennis partner Kim Jong Il. It was his dream to come to the Oscars and to be sprinkled over the red carpet and over Halle Berry's chest again. The funny, interesting thing is actually … Sorry. You've got Kim Jong Il… wait a minute, we need to clean this up. It's OK for you. Now if somebody ask you what you are wearing, you will say Kim Jong Il."
Seacrest: "Have fun this evening."
